I recently started writing a book. I wanted to get my story out there. I wanted to help others who have been, or are in, similar situations to mine. I may have just begun writing, but it’s already been such an incredible experience. It’s scary. It’s liberating. It’s hard. It’s amazing.
I’ve already started to share my story and my journey with others, vocally. But there’s something different about putting it into writing. Makes it feel so much more official. So much more intimate. I just finished the intro to my book and I want to share it with you all here. I will hopefully have the book finished by June when my new website launches.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
peace. love. light
Not long after I turned thirty years old, I realized I had been living my entire life pretty much miserable. As a young child I saw domestic violence in my home and I was sexually abused. My depression began at a young age. As I got older I was in physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationships…the list of traumas goes on. To cope, I abused drugs and alcohol to try and numb the pain, self-loathing, sadness, anger, and fear within me. There was a period of my life where I was high or drunk more days than I was sober. It wasn’t pretty. On the outside, I plastered a smile on my face and kept up appearances. Nobody ever suspected or knew how much hurt and misery I was carrying–even those closest to me. I carried everything inside. I suffered silently.
Then one day, it was like a light bulb went off in my head, and I made the conscious decision to make some changes. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but it would be worth it. Dealing with thirty years of shit and trying to rewire your thinking and heal your soul is tough. It was easy to look back on my life and see why I had let myself be miserable for so long. I’ve been through some stuff. A lot of stuff.
After having my two kids, who I feel literally helped save my life, I stopped the drugs completely and eased up on the drinking, but the depression and horrible feelings I felt towards myself remained. I was unhappy, negative and just not in a good place. I read inspirational quotes, I began to consciously monitor my thoughts and tried to avoid posting negatively on social media. I tried to be more physically active. It wasn’t enough. About a year later I stopped drinking altogether (except for an occasional glass of wine or a beer at home), and this helped a little more. Something was missing. I was still miserable on the inside. Around this time I began to see a therapist again. Someone I hadn’t been to before. I had seen therapists in the past and they helped a little, but not much. Looking back it was probably because I wasn’t ready to really heal yet. I decided to try again. And I’m so glad I did. It must have been divine timing. Between finding a great therapist and finally being at a point in my life to be ready to really heal my mind and soul, incredible things began to happen. This therapist helped me through one of my lowest points in life. I was broken. I had fallen apart. Sometimes you have to fall completely and utterly apart in order to build yourself back up even stronger than before. And that’s exactly what I did. That’s exactly what my therapist helped me to do. As of the time of me writing this, I’m thirty three years old. It’s been about a year since I started this journey. Really started this journey. From complete and total rock bottom to now. I had other very low points in my life, but this one was different. This time around I was dealing with everything. Really dealing with everything that I had pushed down for my whole life. And I was doing it sober. I was completely shattered but I was truly healing. I began to acknowledge my hurts and my mistakes. I started to change my way of thinking of myself. And more importantly, I began to open up. I started sharing my story with others. It was like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. To go through so much in life and hurt so deeply, all while keeping it all bottled up is exhausting. I began to heal. I began to forgive. Not only those in my life who have hurt me, but I forgave myself. This was huge. I began to not look at myself as a self-loathing victim but instead as a badass survivor. If I could survive all I’ve been through and still manage to find my light, then surely others could as well. And I knew I wanted more than anything to help others find their light and heal their hearts. I began to read so many great books about healing your soul. I continued with therapy (I still go to this day). I started meditating, healing with crystals and oils, surrounded myself with uplifting and like-minded people, enrolled in school for my soul’s purpose, embraced my intuition and creativity. I found myself. I began to heal. I began to grow. Every day I’m learning, growing and healing even more.
This year of drastic healing and awakening has been intense. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, and that’s saying something. But it’s also been the most rewarding. I can honestly say now that I am the happiest I’ve ever been. In a years’ time I broke down lower than I’d ever been, I faced some of my darkest demons, things I never thought I would have the strength to face, I found my light within and helped it grow, I found my souls purpose, I found peace. I found love for myself. And this is just the beginning. It’s exciting to get to know myself all over again. To get to know the whole me. It’s liberating to feel confidence. Healing myself and finding happiness wasn’t important just for me. It was important for my kids to have a happy and whole mother, it’s making me a better mom. It’s making me a better person. And I’m beyond blessed to be able to share my story with you and to be with you on your journey.
As I continued on my path, I came across some unexpected feelings and situations. It got me thinking, if I went through these things, I’m sure others on their own journey may as well. So, I wanted to share my experiences with you. I also wanted to include my thoughts on the matter and some ways that I found to help deal with these unexpected moments. In this book you’ll find some really good quotes that help get me through tough times or inspire me. I hope you find some inspiration and comfort here as well and maybe my words and these quotes can help you along your own path of healing, soul growth and self-love.
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.